Hello!
Since May 23, 2005, I have not needed a drink or indulge any other substance that changes my mind and the reality I live in. Considering just how much I struggled to get some control over alcohol prior to that date makes this fact seem like nothing short of a miracle. Yet, I can tell you that I am far from alone with this experience. In fact, sobriety can become a reality for anyone who decides to go down the same path – the path of talking to a recovered alcoholic. Let me briefly describe the process from when I began drinking up until today. Hopefully, the story may instill some hope if you’re still suffering.
Like many others, I started drinking with most of my friends around the age of 15. The first time was a big deal and occurred at the beginning of the fall semester when me and a buddy split a bottle of vodka and six beers on the way to an outdoor party. The evening didn’t pan out well, as you can imagine, and became a near-death experience that I remember vividly to this day. Still, I wasn’t deterred at all by this. Instead, I made an effort to arrange booze for the next weekend.
Fast forward … party on Friday became party on Friday-Saturday and then Thursday and then also Wednesday. Soon, most things revolved around different types of parties with alcohol as the primary social lubricant. Never did I consider drinking moderately, getting shitfaced was the whole idea.
Already at 17, I discovered that drinking had devastating consequences both due to mishaps while under the influence as with the terrible anxiety that followed. As a result, and in consultation with my parents, I left the country to get away from the crowd and the habits.
In the new country, the teenagers didn’t drink, but smoked lots of weed instead. Hence, when in Rome…,so did I. This was a little better than alcohol, less stupidity and anxiety – but I was one of those people who became lethargic in the aftermath that followed. Fell in love with a girl and got away from it all for a few months, felt proud and happy. But it did not last long.
Secured a driver’s license and got a car just after 18. Lost the license for DUI just a month after – hmm, that was definitely not the ambition. Felt hopeless, but what would I do on the weekends if I didn’t drink and and hangout?
Enrolled in the military service after high school. It was child’s play finding spirits on the weekends even there, anxiety Sun-Tue, ok on Wednesday, party Fri-Sat became the pattern of life.
Began studying at a University in a European metropolis. It was a brutal experience for a 21-year-old alcoholic (but I had no idea what an alcoholic was, just knew that I drank to have fun and again to kill the hangover). Quickly realized I had to find a more peaceful town and changed schools to a smaller student town after two semesters. Being truly motivated to take it easy and stop drinking I figured this was it. But no, it didn’t work out there either. Instead, party several times a week until I had to talk to the school psychologist, a woman from NY who referred me to AA. I did not go there but quit the alcohol myself. for six months. Remember thinking that drinking was over. But it wasn’t. Again, I found myself drinking. Fast-forward …
Finished my studies and started working in the dotcom era with stellar career ambitions, no drinking was the plan. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop it from happening there either and moved into a state of weekend binge drinking and Mon-Tue anxiety. I was presented with lots of great opportunities and landed excellent jobs but always felt really bad on the inside. And not being able to perform 100% on Mon-Tue is obviously not a good thing.
Tried everything to gain control and contain the problems that arose from the anxiety and the monkey business – no drinking before dinner, no alcohol at home, only beer or wine, eat lots of food, never any hard liquor, never two days in a row, smoke a spliff to stay calm, coke to retain control – but nothing worked. Fast-forward…
Got married and got my first son at 30, thinking he shouldn’t have to experience a dad with anxiety and sketchy behavior. Refrained from drinks for a year, turned into a control freak, became hard to live with, found faults in my wife, suddenly everything was wrong – job, house, wife (today I know this is untreated alcoholism). We split up after a few years. But I wanted to find my way back to family life quickly. Had to drink and get loaded to find the right girl, the alcoholic reminded me. Found myself in a state of drinking every other weekend when my son was with his mom.
Luckily, this was the beginning of the end. The last active spring I drank on merely five or six occasions, but all resulting in a terrible 3-day binge followed by deep anxiety. On Friday, May 20, I was unable to pick up my 3-year old son from daycare. My ex called and could tell that I was still under the influence. Suddenly, convinced that this must never happen again, I looked up where AA, the last lifeline to finally kill my suffering, was available. Went to my first AA meeting on Monday, May 23rd. Since that day I have not needed a drink and my life has been getting better day by day.
In conclusion, it’s easy to see that alcohol was my enemy and the cause of most bad things in life, that it was impossible to stop without the help of others and that other people helped me regain a happy and meaningful existence. Life consists of peaks and valleys, but today, as a recovered sober alcoholic, the deepest valley is significantly better than the highest peak I ever reached as an active alcoholic. Without speaking to other sober alcoholics, my life would have been terrible to this day. And not just mine because many others would have surely suffered as well.
Simple talks with friends who have also suffered under alcohol is the solution I never knew existed. Let’s face it, nobody else will ever understand what alcohol does to you, why you pick up a drink in the first place, and why you can’t stop when you already have a buzz. As I write this, it has been 14 years since my last drink. I have been married for ten years. Raised four children. Started and managed multiple companies. Coached kids football. Practiced lots of sports. Helped plenty of alcoholics recover. The gratitude is deep.
Please contact me if you want to know more. There is a solution. All you need is a desire to stop drinking.